Further Light and Knowledge

Sounds like it was an overall positive experience. That's good.

Just don't freak out if she clams up about something she's embarrassed about. Be proactive in a nonthreatening way. That's the best thing, I think.

_________________
"To those seaching for truth - not the truth of dogma and darkness but the truth brought by reason, search, examination, and inquiry, discipline is required. For faith, as well intentioned as it may be, must be built on facts, not fiction - faith in fiction is a damnable false hope." - Thomas Edison

One thing I did do, in terms of the above, was tell her that she could call and talk to my little sister whenever she felt like she couldn't share something with us... BUT that she should never feel like she couldn't share something with us, that we'll always be there for her, and that we'll always support her.

Ain't gonna lie though, my wife was a little more than shocked that the sex thing was true, but I told her that everyone makes mistakes (even her... I'm not sure how many time's I've heard her shoplifting stories), and we have got to show DD love and support no matter what mistakes she makes.

_________________
I'm not sorry, I like to get laid. --Mercury

I took roughly 1/3 of my available vacation for the year to chase 12- and 13-year old boys through the woods. --Mcarp

I was smoking pot at 15. I was deflowered at 15 or 16. Some days I remember it differently. Grounding or locking her up won't fix it. Open discussions and provisions for birth control are more logical than anything I can think of. If she hasn't opened the sex door, once she does, she won't close it for fear of grounding. I remember my husband and I hunting down all the parents of the kids our son hung around with, since he'd show up late, and smell like weed. So they'd do the same stupid stuff we did. Take away the phone. Take away the boom box. Take away the t.v. Make him clean the whole house for a month. And on and on and on. It didn't fix anything. Keep the conversation door open. And the prior post about pot opening the door to harder stuff? You have to have a percentage for that. It didn't open anything for me, except it kept me from killing myself since I was undiagnosed bipolar. It didn't open any more doors for my son. My bipolar daughter drinks once a year on her birthday, so having the talk about booze opening the door for alcoholism didn't stick. Bottom line is she needs to feel comfortable telling you about her innermost feelings on a regular basis, and you need to be willing to not judge her for those feelings, so that you can work through them together, without her having the need to do so much other shit to get through her teenage hell years. She sounds like a normal kid to me. My dad did have a talk with me when he found out I'd been drinking, and it was a very soft spoken, sweet, talk. It led me to believe that in subsequent years I might be able to come to him with more serious issues. I'd definitely think about birth control. And your idea that 21 or 22 you won't have to worry so much about her decisions? Please. That one really smarts. By then you need to be paying for her birth control pills.

I would say that keeping a stash of condoms for her is a good thing. Getting pregnant at a young age isn't the only thing that could irreversibly change your life. I'm a-thinking HIV and Hep C and Chlamydia, etc...

Otherwise tibber, it sounds like your talk with her in the restaurant went pretty well and that your approach, certainly, won't cause her to communicate less with you. Perhaps, in her own little subconscious way she wanted you to find out what was going on with her because she was feeling a little out of her depth?

Keep the faith. I was a bit of a tearaway during my teens...it will pass.

Okay, I've been through this personally, and with two kids, one who I thought was doing everything just like she was telling me she was doing, and she came home pregnant at 17. Decided to adopt the baby out, and at 7 weeks miscarried. When I look back, I realize I should have put that child on the pill. And every friend I've had from that period has confirmed my feelings. Nobody's kid is prone to come home and tell mom she's been sexually active and needs birth control, especially from our kind of background. I had a friend who had 3 daughters, and worried herself sick through the first two clear through college, so when the 3rd turned 15 she said no more of this shit and put the kid on the pill. Now, you can talk to the other parent about the drinking and the weed, but I never knew anybody who died from toking. We spoke to my son's friend's parents when he was in his teens, and they did what they could, but none of them ever stopped doing what they wanted. I would talk to the grandmother, or mother, or whomever, and keep the lines open, and let her know her desires are perfectly normal, but it's just not safe to drive or perform other functions when under the influence.

so guess who called last night around 12:30? A boy. Guess who picked up the phone the same time as DD and listened to the conversation? My wife (she did say "hello" but apparently my DD didn't hear her). Guess what someone did the weekend of Halloween (after the talk)? Got wasted and who knows what else. Guess how old this boy is? It sounded like he's older than 18. Guess who's going to be receiving a call from me later this afternoon after I get home from work? The boy. Guess who's fucking pissed off? Me.

_________________
I'm not sorry, I like to get laid. --Mercury

I took roughly 1/3 of my available vacation for the year to chase 12- and 13-year old boys through the woods. --Mcarp

(((Tibber))) I had some good-sounding advice to my own ears, but honestly I just wish you the best. Teens have been rebelling for eons and parents have somehow survived it. The only thing that comes to mind is counseling but I don't know if that would be helpful, or if she would be receptive to it.

Said boy is 19 years old. Said daughter is 14. I anticipate calling law enforcement if he doesn't answer his phone here soon. The level of pissed off I am at at this point is only matched by the level of love I have for my daughter and my family.

_________________
I'm not sorry, I like to get laid. --Mercury

I took roughly 1/3 of my available vacation for the year to chase 12- and 13-year old boys through the woods. --Mcarp

Attempted rape. She was able to get away from him, but he still attempted to rape her. I contacted the sheriffs dept of the appropriate jurisdiction... might've made a mistake by leaving a message on the boy's phone telling him I know what he did.

_________________
I'm not sorry, I like to get laid. --Mercury

I took roughly 1/3 of my available vacation for the year to chase 12- and 13-year old boys through the woods. --Mcarp

Not a mistake to call him, any reasonable prudent person would do the same. The age of your daughter will enhance the severity. I assure you he has done this before. Follow through.

_________________
"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them."-Thomas Jefferson

This varies from state to state, however many places only require one person(you) to know a phone call is being recorded. Many LE agencies will help make and record a call. Just a thought. The more evidence the better.

_________________
Lead me not into tempation
I can find it myself

established jurisdiction, now he's gonna talk to his sergeant and see if they want to handle it or if they want the local PD to handle it. I told my daughter I talked to the boy and he told me she and he had sex... I lied... she then proceeded to tell me what really happened. Under the circumstances I felt justified in my lie.

_________________
I'm not sorry, I like to get laid. --Mercury

I took roughly 1/3 of my available vacation for the year to chase 12- and 13-year old boys through the woods. --Mcarp

Good for you! Now, write down everything, right now, that he said. This will help the investigation and will be admissable because of the"outcry inclusion."

Eta: do not let law enforcement drag their heels. If indeed an act did occur, your loved one needs an exam, std panel, medical treatment and a physche consult.

_________________
"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them."-Thomas Jefferson

Unfortunately an act (penetration of the digital--not computer--kind) did occur. Investigator's going to give me a call tomorrow and set up a time for an interview. You know after all this she still doesn't seem to grasp the gravity of the situation. And she's pissed at me because I lied about talking to the boy... I just used the opportunity to express my feelings and get her to express some of hers. Psych consult is definitely in order I think. There's some stuff underneath the surface there that she's holding back.

_________________
I'm not sorry, I like to get laid. --Mercury

I took roughly 1/3 of my available vacation for the year to chase 12- and 13-year old boys through the woods. --Mcarp

She hates me now for lying to her about talking to the boy in question. That makes me feel good and bad at the same time. I told her that I called the boy and talked to him and that he told me he had sex with her... and then it went from there.

This was an approach I'd been debating whether to use or not most of the day, in the end I went with it given her history of lying to us about what was going on in her life and I even told her that's why I went with it. She would either have to confirm or deny that they had sex... instead she confirmed that he attempted to rape (not consensual) her.

I told her I was sorry for lying to her, and she said she doesn't feel like she can trust me now I told her I understood why and that I would work on that, and that we should both show a little more empathy towards each other. Now I'm waiting for a call from the investigator, a call back from her physician, and I need to study for a patho exam today... and then I go be a student nurse in a CCU from 6pm to 6am.

ETA: I think my mom is seeing this as a "oh! My boy's gonna come back to church now!" kinda thing. Too bad she'll be disappointed.

_________________
I'm not sorry, I like to get laid. --Mercury

I took roughly 1/3 of my available vacation for the year to chase 12- and 13-year old boys through the woods. --Mcarp