So I guess the title sums it up nicely. I have been over at NOM for a few months (only signed up in about Oct.) but I think that I have moved to a different place in my life. Enter FLAK perhaps? I used to avoid boards like this one because I was still too angry about the church and it just got me bothered when I would venture over here (or even worse, to postmo
) but now that the anger is subsiding and I am getting closer to my exit from the church I feel like this might be a good fit for me.
I was BIC, RM, MIT, pioneer heritage etc. I guess the beginning of the end was when my son was born and I realized how much I loved him. I sort of just realized that I was a Universalist, but that didn't really effect my devotion to the church. About 4 years later one of my best friends from my childhood (also BIC RM MIT) visited on a business trip. After catching up and such he started telling me how he had all these concerns about JS BY and all the typical early church historical problems. He kept assuring me that his testimony was strong but I almost immediately knew that he couldn't believe in the church given what he was telling me. The weird part is that I was totally freaked out because I was so thrilled. I had to take a few minutes to figure out what was going on in my head. I mean why was I so happy to hear this stuff? It was only then that I realized that I didn't believe it either and that was why I was so happy to hear about his lack of a testimony (which he had not actually admitted to at that point.) So anyway, I told my wife that his "testimony was faltering" and i needed to talk to him, to which, of course, she gave her blessing. So we talked till the wee hours of the morning, and both basically admitted that the church was not true in the sense that it tried to portray itself. The next day I told my wife about my feelings but assured her that it didn't mean anything other than the fact that I believed God to be more loving than the church made him out to be. I still believed in everything, just not hell, so to speak.
I was still happy to be a part of it because I was coming from a Universalist position, and I still didn't know or care about the historical issues with the church. In fact, I stopped my friend from telling my wife his reasons for doubting the church because I didn't think she could handle the truth and I didn't want her to leave the church at that point
. So a few weeks later my wife started asking me about certain anachronisms in the BOM. I told her what I knew, and told her the appropriate apologist arguments too. However, I got curious. I figured that since I already believe that the church isn't the only way to God, why am I still afraid to learn all I can about the church problems.
I then quickly realized that the church was not one of many ways to God...it had nothing to do with God, at all. Anger. Confusion. Anger. Marriage problems (why the hell did I stop my friend from telling my wife all that stuff???) Anger. A few months later I found the NOM board and that helped, but now that I am planning my escape I feel much less anger. When I think about what will happen in my family when I make it known that I am leaving (and I am not planning on slinking out quietly - at least not to my family) I still get angry, but that too will pass I am sure. I think that one of my sisters will stay civil, but everyone else is too fanatical.
My wife has followed in my lead, only slower. She is not planning on leaving, but will lower her activity level to almost inactive; sort of SM only type thing. My wife hopes that the ward will let her choose her activity level and not treat her like she has a horrible husband. She has faith that it will work out OK. I'm certain that she will get tired of all the pressure. We'll see soon enough. We're ditching the G's as the weather allows and as long as it doesn't out us just yet (where else on earth does one's underwear choice have such significance?). Tithing, Ha! Temple, pssh! Basically I am waiting for the last sibling's temple wedding...then BAM. Anyway, i'll probably be posting once in a while. Just thought I would introduce myself.
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