Further Light and Knowledge

I owe it to the internet for liberating me from the spiritual mindfuck of Mormonism. Being generation Y, the internet has become more than a useful tool, it's a part of life. It's not too uncommon for a young person nowadays to come across information on the internet by chance. All it takes is some surfing and a google search of the word "Mormon". This is partly why so many young people are finding their way out of the Mormon church.

Does it make you jealous, that we found out so early. I found out when I was in my teens. The results of that were fantastic. I didn't go on a mission, I didn't get into an early marriage, and I haven't spent any time or money on a false religion since the day I turned 18. I've got my entire twenties to play, have fun, drink, smoke pot, have premarital sex, and do whatever I please guilt free. It almost seems unfair. Many of us here didn't find out until later in life, thus creating problems with family and a real regret for living much of life with blinders on.

It's always funny for me to hear someone say they are jealous, that I must be reaping the rewards for finding the truth. I can't help but think they're wrong. Life after Mormonism has been really hard for me. I've spent alot of time trying to repair my relationship with my family. For a while, I didn't see them or call them for several months. I moved out to get away from them, only to run into problems with less than trustworthy roommates. Can you imagine how damaging it is to an eighteen year old to lose all of thier friends and family's trust in one single day? It seems like life after Mormonism has been a constant struggle to build a support group. The exmormon groups in Arizona and exmormon conferences have helped out alot, but they can only provide so much. I wish I had at least one person who I knew would always be there, who love me for whoever I am, and could help me get back on my feet and get on with life.

It's alright to be jealous, but I still don't see the point. I grabbed my freedom while I could, but only for a price. It's been a crazy journey. I can only hope that things will improve, and maybe I'll take my twenties back.

rogue

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... thus spake Zarathustra.

Yes. I'm jealous.

I don't know you at all, but I think that you give the church too much credit for what appears to be a lot of strugles related to being young and single.

I'm suspect that in a few years, when you have a wife and a career, you will credit the church less for your troubles.

But what do I know, I'm an old grandpa.

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As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent.
-- Socrates

I'm not jelous, and in the immortal words of Metallica:
Fuck it all and Fucking no regrets. That was my mantra for many years.
Happy for you; yes. Enlightenment is a strange thing, you really don't know you are missing it if you dont' have it.
I was "enlightened" early on that the church wasn't true. The promise of the BoM didn't work for me.
So to ask if I'm jelous of someone younger that has different oppertunities becuase of different choices made I would say: NO. The choices I've made have made me who I am, and I woudn't trade that.

I am jealous. I'm still in my 20s, but by the time I figured out the church, I was married, a mother, graduated from college.

I don't regret having my husband and son, but at the same time, I wish I could've had "my college years." Drinking, sex, figuring things out, protesting, staying out all night. Messing up, and growing up.

Of course I'm idealizing it; I remember being single in college and dealing with all the hormones and the dating and trying to get a date and all that shit I actually hated most of the time. I never really enjoyed dating until I dated my husband. And I'm sure all those hangovers and junk wouldn't have been fun either.

I do feel like the church stole something away from me. Even now I have a lot of friends who party or have a drink after work, but they don't invite me because I'm that "older, married one with the kid." They figure I'm not interested, that I'm past that. Hell, I haven't experienced that!

I'm having to do a lot of growing up about things that people my age experienced years ago. I'm so young and naive in many ways; but I also have a marriage and a child, so my maturity was necessarily accelerated, too. It's weird. I'm a contradiction.

No, I am not jealous. I am angry but not jealous. It's not your fault therefore I cannot blame you and, frankly, I am too arrogant to be jealous of anyone but myself.

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Love before loyalty, people before the organization, and principle before the tribe.
Main Street Plaza

I was for a while but I'm not now. It's just something you go through--all those feelings of being "cheated" out of life, I think, no matter the age at which you leave.

What I'm realizing now is I learned many things I would not have otherwise learned in my "Mormon" years. I like myself more now and try to enjoy life rather than "endure". I did try to make up for "lost time" when I first left, but that's not so important to me now as much as finding out who the "real me" is.

^^^^ Speaking of Metallica, a couple of songs (Holier Than Thou,Dyers Eve) hit me hard the past two years that I felt trapped in the MORmON church.

I'm kind of on the cusp of X/Y (I'm an Xer at heart,though, regarding pop culture and stuff like that.) since I was born in 1980. The only thing I'm jealous of is that I didn't get my own laptop until 3 months before I resigned and I got official internet connection nonstop a month later.

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I have a certain curiosity for life that drives me and propels me forward. - Rachel McAdams

He hasn't addressed it directly, but I would not be surprised at all if my father in law were the teensiest bit envious of the freedom my wife and I enjoy.

I am learning that everything comes at a cost, no matter what it is. I haven't told my family (mom, dad, bro., sis.) so I can deal with my own feelings while figuring things out, but it's costing me my health, I think. I have been sick almost since Christmas with the flu, colds, and sinus infections which, I feel, have come about because of the added stress of this whole mess. So, I don't have to deal with my family's wrath (yet), but I am getting run down with because I haven't told them.

Anyway, I am now rambling because I am so tired. I am not jealous, as of yet, but I do wish I had been able to have the freedom to figure out who I was a long time ago, instead of always trying to reach an unattainable goal.

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All your lemons are belong to us.

OMG do I know how you feel. It's actually nice to hear someone say it!

Do you know how many times I have said that I wish I had someone to always love me? To always call home to? I would tell people 'Do you know if I lost my job and didnt have any money left, I would starve. there would be NO ONE THERE TO FEED ME, NO ONE!!!'

And for some reason I thought this should be a common human experience but I mostly got blank stares and shrugs. People just dont know what to say to that.

I left the church at 20. I am 26 and married a year and a half. I started feeling more secure and safe about 4 months before my husband and I started dating.

So I am going to tell you everything I know about it even though I dont know if it would have helped me at all.

The reasons I think I feel this special brand of alone-
1. I have a unique personality type, one that most of the ppl around this place seem to share but it's a rarer personality type in the general population. INTP, see meyers briggs personality inventory, search for it on google and take the test. In short I like to be alone, I like to think about things, and I like to understand them from an objective view. Somehow this is all destructive to the process of being included in anyone's collective.
2. from a very early age my father was obsessed with money and would tell my brother and I frequently that we would starve to death and no one would care. he was also a black and white thinker and very paranoid and also told us that no one would ever care about us and we had to survive on our own. My mother was equally as crazy but I am still finding out crazy ass shit she did so we'll save that for another time.
3. through a combination of both of the previous reasons I learned to inately distrust anyone that did anything out of habit, or because their parents did it, or because all their friends were doing it. I balk at people who buy a brand of trash bag because of the cute jingle on TV.

okay. so here is how I found my security.

1. I have been fired 6 times for ridiculous reasons. ( you may think it's me, but I have asked everyone I know and no one has told me I smell funny or that I have a bad attitude or that I'm stupid.... yet )
2. I had to leave one guy who I really loved because he wasnt a member and what shred of approval I got from my father was quavering.
3. I spent a 2 years bailing a guy out of jail, comforting him when his exwife wouldnt give him visitation with the kid, answering the phone every time he called. and he would not a) admit that he even liked me b) be seen around people we knew with me c ) participate in anything in my life and d) answer the phone when I called.
4. I ended up with a guy who wasnt even good enough for me, but I decided to give him a chance after guy in #3 because he seemed like a nice guy, and he ended up cheating on me.
5. My tiny appartment was broken into once and everything of value was taken and my car was broken into twice and my radio was stolen, the last time the entire dash was ripped out.

and these are just the bare facts. I cant even tell you how much I agonized for about 5 years there.
now wait... didnt this start by me saying "here is how I found my security?"

After all this I said, "holy shit, I'm still alive.... did you just see what I went through?!?! I'm amazing!!!"
I also said "wow this is real fun being miserable but I think I'll just start being happy now, whatever it takes to get there."

And I realized that for some strange reason, no matter what happened to me.... something else was always there to pick up the slack, just in time.
ALWAYS
If I lost a friend, I was still not alone, I would find another, if I lost a job, I would somehow find another, if my car wasnt working, somehow there would be someone there to give me a ride. When I needed out of a bad relationship, there happened to be someone with a room to rent, and on and on.

I mean this is 6 years of really bad luck here! at least every 6 months my life was turned inside out upside down. You would think I would notice if at some point I was really let down.
Nope. Somehow it always worked out.

and I realized I wasnt alone. I just wasnt. for three or four months I was dating no one, had no friends, just did my thing. and I felt 100% okay.
Then one of my old coworkers started calling me a lot. I told him if he didnt leave me alone I wouldnt be able to keep my professional distance anymore.... and shortly there after he was on my doorstep.
The rest they say, is history.

Dang, I would say so.



Good. I really needed a happy ending to your story. Congratulations!

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Love before loyalty, people before the organization, and principle before the tribe.
Main Street Plaza

GT....you are amazing!!! i have alot in common with you, yet i don't express myself very well most of the time!! We ARE amazing women....we are strong and capable....your story helped me to realize that about myself...something that i had forgotten...thank you.
PL

PS....i'm 45.....living my 20's now-WOO-HOO!! got a loving bf and we have stayed by each other's side thru literal HELL.... i'll probably get ex'd a second time, after which i'll be thourouly condemned i'm sure.

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Searching for the real TRUTH

Ahhh, three short months later my arrow found a target. It was good to reread all of that I wrote. I am glad you can relate to it. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to do something to get ex'ed ( I mean I HAVE done 'bad' things and I technically SHOULD have been ex'ed ) but nothing that really flew in the face of the church enough to really piss them off.

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it is truly a small population of people that do not seek control but are willing to accept the outcome of all things. - Mayan

I'm too old and tired to be jealous.

....

WHAT, ARE YOU NUTS, OF COURSE I AM JEALOUS, DIE YOUNG PUNK!

ops, I think I ripped a muscle yelling at you.

Better put some liniment on that gramps.

(And before you ask what liniment is, young punks, I really haven't the foggiest. It was what MY grandpa used to put on when he tore a muscle being crotchety.)

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The apple cannot be stuck back on the Tree of Knowledge; once we begin to see, we are doomed and challenged to seek the strength to see more, not less. ~ Arthur Miller