I wish I had at least one person who I knew would always be there, who love me for whoever I am, and could help me get back on my feet and get on with life.
OMG do I know how you feel. It's actually nice to hear someone say it!
Do you know how many times I have said that I wish I had someone to always love me? To always call home to? I would tell people 'Do you know if I lost my job and didnt have any money left, I would starve. there would be NO ONE THERE TO FEED ME, NO ONE!!!'
And for some reason I thought this should be a common human experience but I mostly got blank stares and shrugs. People just dont know what to say to that.
I left the church at 20. I am 26 and married a year and a half. I started feeling more secure and safe about 4 months before my husband and I started dating.
So I am going to tell you everything I know about it even though I dont know if it would have helped me at all.
The reasons I think I feel this special brand of alone-
1. I have a unique personality type, one that most of the ppl around this place seem to share but it's a rarer personality type in the general population. INTP, see meyers briggs personality inventory, search for it on google and take the test. In short I like to be alone, I like to think about things, and I like to understand them from an objective view. Somehow this is all destructive to the process of being included in anyone's collective.
2. from a very early age my father was obsessed with money and would tell my brother and I frequently that we would starve to death and no one would care. he was also a black and white thinker and very paranoid and also told us that no one would ever care about us and we had to survive on our own. My mother was equally as crazy but I am still finding out crazy ass shit she did so we'll save that for another time.
3. through a combination of both of the previous reasons I learned to inately distrust anyone that did anything out of habit, or because their parents did it, or because all their friends were doing it. I balk at people who buy a brand of trash bag because of the cute jingle on TV.
okay. so here is how I found my security.
1. I have been fired 6 times for ridiculous reasons. ( you may think it's me, but I have asked everyone I know and no one has told me I smell funny or that I have a bad attitude or that I'm stupid.... yet )
2. I had to leave one guy who I really loved because he wasnt a member and what shred of approval I got from my father was quavering.
3. I spent a 2 years bailing a guy out of jail, comforting him when his exwife wouldnt give him visitation with the kid, answering the phone every time he called. and he would not a) admit that he even liked me b) be seen around people we knew with me c ) participate in anything in my life and d) answer the phone when I called.
4. I ended up with a guy who wasnt even good enough for me, but I decided to give him a chance after guy in #3 because he seemed like a nice guy, and he ended up cheating on me.
5. My tiny appartment was broken into once and everything of value was taken and my car was broken into twice and my radio was stolen, the last time the entire dash was ripped out.
and these are just the bare facts. I cant even tell you how much I agonized for about 5 years there.
now wait... didnt this start by me saying "here is how I found my security?"
After all this I said, "holy shit, I'm still alive.... did you just see what I went through?!?! I'm amazing!!!"
I also said "wow this is real fun being miserable but I think I'll just start being happy now, whatever it takes to get there."
And I realized that for some strange reason, no matter what happened to me.... something else was always there to pick up the slack, just in time.
If I lost a friend, I was still not alone, I would find another, if I lost a job, I would somehow find another, if my car wasnt working, somehow there would be someone there to give me a ride. When I needed out of a bad relationship, there happened to be someone with a room to rent, and on and on.
I mean this is 6 years of really bad luck here! at least every 6 months my life was turned inside out upside down. You would think I would notice if at some point I was really let down.
Nope. Somehow it always worked out.
and I realized I wasnt alone. I just wasnt. for three or four months I was dating no one, had no friends, just did my thing. and I felt 100% okay.
Then one of my old coworkers started calling me a lot. I told him if he didnt leave me alone I wouldnt be able to keep my professional distance anymore.... and shortly there after he was on my doorstep.
The rest they say, is history.