Further Light and Knowledge

That's me, always known as the Stake President's Daughter, before that it was the Bishop's Daughter...

I'm actually the middle child of seven and of course the BLACK SHEEP!! I am 28yrs old and haven't been to church (willingly) in over 10 years. I never had a choice to go to church it was what was expected of me. Mormonism goes back in my family for generations.

So... I am the only one out of my huge family that is an inactive Mormon. My parents still ask me to this day if I have gone to church. Thankfully, I live half way across the country from them so it is an easily an avoidable topic with them. Still I dislike having to hide most of my life now because it is unacceptable to them. Although to the rest of the world I look like a perfect angel... to them I am "unworthy". I have come to terms, for the most part, that they won't accept me for who I have chosen to be. I think with it being so ingrained in me that I am "unworthy".. that somewhere deep down that's what I believe is that I am a worthless human being.

Growing up I never felt like I fit into the Mormon religion. Even though I lived and breathed it. I just was not given the option to choose this for my life. Well I guess I did have a choice when I was 8yrs old and my bishop asked me "do you want to be baptized?"

Logically I can tell myself that I have moved on from Mormonism.. but I still think subconsciously it affects my everyday life and how I feel about myself. I'm hoping there are people out there that can relate with me.

I am glad I found this site. I LOVE the web address ... because The Foyer was where I spent most my time when I had to go to church!!!

We're glad you found us too! That's exactly what we're here for. We're here to help you feel like you've got at least one place where people won't judge you because of your beliefs. Pretty much the only rule here is to respect other people and their beliefs (although I hear there's an actual rulebook around here somewhere), so stick around a while!

Did you read your way out of Mormonism or, like myself, just stop caring and then find out about the seedier side of the church?





I promise you, each and every person here can relate. You are certainly among friends. I left the church as soon as I turned 18 and even now a little over a year later, I find myself unable to completely separate myself from some aspects of it simply because whether I like it or not, it was a gigantic part of who I was growing up. Now, a year isn't a long time, but I was on my way out long before that, but as a 16 year old, it's generally easier to stick to the status quo. The best part now is that we all get to decide who we really want to be. We don't have a church telling us what we can and can't do. We have genuinely received the gift of agency. We decide what and who we do!

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"Soon, gay people will start falling out of the sky. Onto our homes. Onto our churches and onto our families." - A Gaythering Storm

Welcome! Your story sounds much like mine, except the highest prestige my dad ever managed to get for himself was ward clerk, and I'm the oldest instead of the middle.

I definitely know exactly how you feel with the "haven't gone to church in years but still got quizzed on attendance by the parentals." And also with the lack of acceptance for it. Guh. They never stopped pressuring me about it until I formally resigned and told them so. That did not go over well at all, but it's great to finally have the personal integrity that my interactions with them lacked up until then.



Nah, you really didn't. An 8-year-old doesn't have the cognitive capacity to understand any other sort of binding "contract". Mormons wouldn't allow their pre-adolescent children to choose to get married, or join the military, for example. But their brain glazes over and tbms manage to believe that a child surrounded by smiling authority figures telling them, "When you turn 8, you get to be baptized!" is actually 'choosing' it. lulz. The kids know damn well that it's what's expected of them and that they'll be rewarded socially for doing it.

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Fear will keep the local systems in line.

Welcome to FLAK!! That sucks to not feel worthy, especially when it comes from your parents. It's definitely a good thing you don't live near them! Hopefully you feel a sense of community and acceptance here....it's a great place to get support and feedback.

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Oh trapped in a box I'm not alone
I know of others with a box as their home
Light only enters from a crack or a hole
Oh this is not enough for a human to grow
-No Doubt

Welcom to FLAK! Vent some more, thread is cheap.

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"I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them."-Thomas Jefferson

Me too. It always pissed my mom off. The occasional time I go to church now if I stay past sacrament meeting it is usually to talk to people in the foyer. Welcome!

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This is one of the hardest lessons for humans to learn. We cannot admit that things might be neither good nor evil, neither cruel nor kind, but simply callous - indifferent to all suffering, lacking all purpose. Dawkins

I envy all of you who are so young figuring this whole mess out. I wish I had had the knowledge that you have at your ages.

And yes I imagine that most if not all of us know how you feel more then we wish we did. A lot of us know what it's like to be born into a family with the generational ties to the moorg. Learning it's truth and being true to who we are as individuals has been a very difficult journey. Acceptance and true unconditional love from family we may or may not ever get. All I know is that I can do things differently for my own children and I have learned through this to simply love my children for who they are, not for who i wish them to be.
Good luck to you. I hope you find a community here that helps ease the pain of not getting what you need/want from your own family.

HI!

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"For some reason, mormons have this 'I can talk shit but it doesn't mean I'm a judgmental asshole' attitude." -Junesu

I blog.

Welcome!

If it makes you feel any better, I'm a major disappointment to my dad too. But he can shove it for all I care.

Welcome!!

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"It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office."

- H. L. Mencken

Welcome! Sit down on the couch over there, I'm sure you can find a spot. Luckily in our Foyer here, the couches are rather comfortable, unlike the ugly, green, nasty ones that were in the Foyers of our youth. Like yourself, quite a few of us here also had the "bar" we had to meet regarding church attendance in our youth. Also, you would be surprised at some of the connections of some of us here in our lineage regarding Mormon ancestry. You are among friends here.



Believe me, you are not a worthless human being. None of us here are. I know it is so much easier for one to say it to another, and not to ones self, but it's true. I deal with this daily also, and I suspect a good number of others here still do. The brainwashing of the cult, and yes, Mormonism is a cult, has led people like you and I to believe that we are worthless and undeserving of unconditional love and respect.

This is very damaging to ones own self perception, and is a despicable thing the church does. Unless you pay, pray, and obey, you are unworthy, and less than in the sight of your family, friends, and a bronze age sky daddy. Sickening.



I know that for myself growing up in the church I never felt like I fit in and would bend over backwards at times for acceptance. Now that I look back on it, I find it disturbing that one would be less than true to ones self. This combined with the "option" of getting baptized at age 8 amongst all the other expectations of being a youth member of the church can be daunting.

You are absolutely right when you say that you can logically tell yourself you have moved on but it still affects you. It, Mormonism, is a piece of you, of me, of all of us here. What matters now is how we accept that and move on from what we were a part of that we now recognize as damaging and how we can better ourselves and spread a little love and peace to those around us and most importantly to yourself.

Glad you've made it this far.

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"We perpetuate the lie that the church's needs are greater, more profound, more virtuous, and more accurate than our own."
Lola-Cola 04/07/2009

If at all possible, let yourself free of the "unworthy" label. Others may designate you that way, but that is under their manufactured perspective.

One of the top things I enjoy about being away from the church is that there is no longer a sense of guilt or unworthiness. I still make mistakes in living my life, but it is easier to see them as mistakes and learning experiences now instead of some condescending fabricated label based on someone else's prescription for everyone's else's life, which none of them can live "perfectly" either so it becomes a guilt-fest for all. I'm not talking about big sins or anything --- because when I was still attending I didn't have some big mormon-defined sin(s) hanging over my head or any such thing, but rather all the small stuff added up as well as the do more, more, MORE mentality --- every Sunday there was something else reiterated as being urgent and important...down to earrings and underwear and defining other people as unworthy and outsiders. Blech! Honestly, I don't want to be "worthy" of that kind of an organization because it IS against MY values!

Now I use my own heart and brain to live my life, and by doing so am living with much more integrity and joy than in the past. I am worthy of life and of being in the universe and no one else has to define me or itemize my value. I do get frustrated with myself sometimes, and I can still be sad or depressed sometimes, but those things are part of the human experience. Depression lasts much less time when I don't have a feeling of unworthiness or guilt for feeling sad. Sad is part of life and I can live it and go through it. Joy is part of life and I can live that, too, without feeling guilt for that either. When YOU decide what is valuable, you don't have to be worried that you aren't meeting some checklist of some authority figure who always has their eye on you. Deciding what actions to take becomes an exercise in using your brain and heart instead of trying to fit into a box of contrived "supposed to do lists".

I find that I feel much more "good" choosing for myself than complying with someone's list of shoulds and shouldn'ts. I eat healthier, I am happier, I am kinder to others and much less judgmental. If anything, I am more "worthy" though some of my choices now would be considered terribly OFF of someone else's mandated list.

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I wish karma tasted more like caramel.

"All we are is pulverized micro particulates circulating in the after effect of convection and circulation." ~Dawgma

Welcome - I'm the oldest of 6 - many of us can relate to having large LDS families (and all that sometimes entails).

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