Further Light and Knowledge

So I've been lurking around for a couple of weeks now and decided to introduce myself. I am a wife and a mother to 5 little kids. My husband told me about a month ago that he no longer wants to be Mormon. He's had doubts almost his whole life but pushed them aside when they couldn't be answered but he just couldn't do it anymore. We were sealed in the Temple, both served missions and were both raised in very strong LDS families.

When he first told me I was angry and upset, but when I had a chance to calm down I realized that I wasn't that far behind him in my departure. I still haven't decided if I want to leave the church completely or just stay with it because it's apart my life and my children's lives. It's a hard road to go down and full of a lot of emotional crap but hopefully when a decision is made it will be a little easier.

I started a blog to record my thoughts as I travel through this journey. Feel free to visit it:

http://discoveringbeliefs.wordpress.com

I read your blog. I know what you are feeling. The female aspect of leaving is somewhat different, is it not? Feelings of responsibility for your children's salvation run rampant, until you can define your own belief pattern. You need not throw the entire thing out. Or you can if you decide to. But I have traveled a long and arduous road, 24 years now, and run the gamut of feelings concerning self worth, worthiness, defining my own christian tenets, and reconciling with my tbm father, who after years of trouncing on one another's scriptures, finally accepts and respects where I'm at spiritually. It's not meant to be easy. But everyone here knows exactly what you are going through. And if you find yourself in a dark hole, and cannot get out, see a doctor, beit temporarily. Start reading Fawn Broadie and some other authors like Todd Compton and more than everyone here likes. Study, read, and figure it out for yourself. And love your family.

Thanks for the understanding words and great advice, Pollypinks! I'll look up some of the those authors!

Welcome, ac! Good luck as you move ahead on whatever path works best for you.

Sounds like my wife any time she even catches a whiff of disbelief on my part. Every time that happens, she says she does not think she could be married to someone not truly-believing mormon, I look at my 6 kids and think - OK, I'll stick it out another year...

Glad to see your husband stuck to his guns a bit there and that you can kind of see it too.

Just read your and your husband's blogs. Your husband sounds like he could be me, right down to the Germanic-language mission, the ever-lingering, unanswered questions, and even the law school!! Only difference is that I don't have the courage to maintain my disbelief in the face of my wife's anger and attempts to discredit me simply because of disbelief with others - I just play dead and go to church rather than face that.

Welcome ac...it's good to have you here. I've enjoyed reading your thoughts on your blog. I hope you find peace and security in your journey.

Nymrod, Your wife ain't going anywhere. Think about it. Does she really want to support those kids full time, with you in another household paying child support? It's not pretty. And does she think some gigolo is going to take her on with your six kids? Get real.

You're being rational, and people aren't at their most rational in relationships, especially when religion is involved. That said, one hopes that Nymrod fellow benefits from your rational POV.

Nymrod, I see nothing wrong with your approach, and methinks you are far too hard on yourself. It is a fact that your 6 children need their father, and I think perhaps someday you'll look back and realize you did far better good by being involved daily with them than you could have had you moved out and treaded those sultry waters so many of us have.

Welcome, ac.

Nymrod, I'm sorry to hear how things are at your house. I disagree with pollypinks' view on things about no man wanting to marry a woman with 6 children. I got married with four teenagers at home and I had a choice of who to marry, too. But the worry or concern of her not being able to find someone else is no reason for you to stay either, imo. I think if you ever decide to call your wife out on her threats it may result in more respect overall, even if it took some time to get to that point. If there is love between you, all may not be lost. But either way I'm sorry you are having to live with those fears of loss.