Maybe there's something wrong with me.
Maybe I'm a real jerk for wanting a wife who's not 100% devoted to that organization.
...she gives at least $xxx every month to the organization.
I see her spending many hours each week... performing many other activities which support the organization.
...she will never be the person she could be, the woman she should be and it's all because of that god damn organization that requires her to pledge all of her time & money and require that she trusts what they tell her...,
...she's a wonderful person but she's more of a robot than a wife. She's more of a church member than a true friend. Her loyalty to the organization is nearly perfect while her ability to think and make rational decisions is being held hostage. But she can't see it, she doesn't believe it. She goes along with everything they tell her...
So, lately I've been asking myself this question over and over and over - since the situation is never going to get any better, is it worth it to remain with her?
She believes whatever the leaders of the organization are telling her - she does not believe me. She does what they tell her, not what I ask. She gives them a gigantic amount of our "expendable income" every month instead of putting some of it, any of it into our future.
She continues to spend at least TEN to FIFTEEN hours each week - usually more - doing things for the organization. We hardly ever go out together or do anything together.
I'm just tired, emotionally and physically - I'm impatient, weary, and sad.
Floater, I don't comment much (almost never) but your posts always hit so close to home. This one is scary close. I could have written each of the quotes above.
I haven't yet, but I've been considering contacting a divorce lawyer, just to see what the financial hit would be. This is awful, but I'd like to know how much required monthly alimony I could cover with the monthly tithing she sends to the church. I know I'd feel better if it were going to my kids and not to building a mall or a hotel.
I know that I will always be 3rd or 4th priority in her life. The church is always first (pay on gross plus every other damn fund they offer, pray, obey, callings, meetings, service, meetings, meetings, meetings, obedience, more donations, nylons, one earing, mother who knows, SAHM, etc.) and is a huge consumer of her time and resources, followed by the kids (which I am grateful for, she loves them), then a distant tie between me and saving all the neighbors souls and serving them.
Sometimes I feel like I'm only an ATM. As long as I work my ass off and keep money in the bank, she is oblivious to my needs, wants, desires, opinions, etc. I'm only relevant as a cash machine / face value priesthood holder.
My god what a screwed up church to put this kind of strain on a relationship, all because one of the partners decides not to believe in the fairy tale anymore.
I feel your pain, and sympathize with every one of your posts.