Further Light and Knowledge

I have seen this coming, a mile away. For weeks now, it's been building up. I guess some people have physical or mental illnesses that come and go. Some people probably endure cycles of economic prosperity followed by drought, often resulting from employment irregularities.

Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I'm a real jerk for wanting a wife who's not 100% devoted to that organization. I feel there is zero, nothing that could ever be experienced by her that would change her opinion about the organization. I see myself borrowing $300 every month so we can pay for things we need while she gives at least $550 every month to the organization. I see her spending many hours each week devoted to finding names of dead people and performing many other activities which support the organization.

I'm not jealous - once again, I'm overflowing with disgust. For years now I have not been able to turn it off. I find myself hiding the reality, the pent up anger I feel because she will never be the person she could be, the woman she should be and it's all because of that god damn organization that requires her to pledge all of her time & money and require that she trusts what they tell her, not to trust her own instinct or use her own reasoning skills, or god forbid, listen to or follow the advice from her apostate husband (gasp!).

Did you guys know I used to count the money each week after sacrament? Yeah, I did. And every time I did this, I was required to write a check for the deposit, always made out to "The Corporation of the President." I didn't feel right about that for some reason. It all just seemed too organized, or something was weird. What was the "Corporation of the President" and why didn't the checks get made out to the COJCOLDS? And then there was the "extreme urgency" in making sure the funds were transferred immediately and then verified that SLC received them before I could go home and be with my family. Again, for a non profit organization, that seemed a little over the top, unnecessary in my opinion.

Okay, now returning to my original story: This time, I let my anger build up to the point where I just want out. Sure, she's a wonderful person but she's more of a robot than a wife. She's more of a church member than a true friend. Her loyalty to the organization is nearly perfect while her ability to think and make rational decisions is being held hostage. But she can't see it, she doesn't believe it. She goes along with everything they tell her - nothing I do to help her see, comprehend and understand the plethora of facts which expose the deceitful nature of the organization helps. Nothing.

So, lately I've been asking myself this question over and over and over - since the situation is never going to get any better, is it worth it to remain with her? My financial future is doomed if we stay together. She has absolutely zero ability to save a dime, or a penny for that matter. I'm not in love with anyone else. I have no desire to spend my life alone but I do know that the rest of my life with her will never be what I want it to be - never, ever, ever. Tonight I have given up on that hope for the last time. I will not allow myself to hang onto a glimmer of hope that she will be "made whole" again because it's too painful to discover it will not happen, it's not reality.

I will stop pretending that I will be able to live a fully rewarding life with her. It's just not going to happen - never.

Tonight she casually mentioned that I sometimes make her feel uncomfortable about her religious beliefs. I apologized and then explained how I felt I had an obligation as a loving husband to drag her away from the mind-controlling cult, that I couldn't understand how she could be faced with so many clear, undeniably true facts which prove over and over, beyond any doubt - if accepted - the organization is simply a facade, nothing like what it claims to be. She believes whatever the leaders of the organization are telling her - she does not believe me. She does what they tell her, not what I ask. She gives them a gigantic amount of our "expendable income" every month instead of putting some of it, any of it into our future.

She continues to spend at least eight to ten hours each week - usually more - doing things for the organization. We hardly ever go out together or do anything together. I think this time I need to face the reality that we're over, done, finished. I think the only reason why she wants to stay married is because her beloved organization tells her that divorce is a sin or she will have to face the real possibility of living with her mother instead of me.

I know some of you are perturbed and impatient with my "on again, off again" marital swings. I don't blame you, of course. I'm just tired, emotionally and physically - I'm impatient, weary, and sad. I'm lost and don't know which way to go. I feel like the best years of my life are long gone and I do not want to spend what's remaining with a person who refuses to or who is incapable of separating reality from fantasy.

So, now I reckon it's time for PolyP to tell me that there is no perfect relationship and I married for better or worse so I should remain committed or accept being labeled a "quitter." Yeah, bring it on - whatever.

It must feel like this when painted into a corner. Frustrating, angry and stupid-sick for ever allowing that god damned organization to fool me with their lies. I feel like I need to sleep for about 97 days.

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It's good to talk about these things and to sort out the messed up mindfuck we were in.
- SIMS

(((( Floater ))))

Life is hard, relationships are hard. In the end you need to do whatever is best for you. If you look down the road 5 years in either direction, what do you see? Go the way of happiness my friend, but know that either road will be fucking difficult, one just has a happier ending.

Best of luck to you.

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Oh trapped in a box I'm not alone
I know of others with a box as their home
Light only enters from a crack or a hole
Oh this is not enough for a human to grow
-No Doubt

It's surprising that you say closure is looking better....I think it sounds like the sh*t will be hitting the fan. Going through separation and divorce is not an easy path. But making the decision to get out of limbo could be a good first step.

So, I will make the recommendations I make to everyone considering this step. Talk to a lawyer. Particularly since money is a big deal, you'll want to figure that out. Divorce will be expensive (everything I know and have read). It doesn't have to be, but in some situations it can be. Women, in particular, lose a lot in divorce (in general). There are stats on it. There are ways to do a divorce and not screw the other person over financially.

Also, set some goals for yourself. Is a goal to put your kids first? Is it to punish you ex? Figuring out what you want, what's fair is key.

Sometimes, despite being hellish, ending a marriage is really for the best. If both people can be as adult and respectful as possible, it can work without being shitty (particularily for the kids). Both people have to want that, however.

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my blog

Ah Floater. I'm sorry. I don't have any good words of wisdom, just sympathy. Do what you need to do to make your life better.

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God's wool be done ~ Colbert
Oh, and 1999!!!!

I've read somewhere or heard that therapists know when a relationship will not work out when one or both partners look at the other with contempt. It sounds like you're at or nearing that point.

I know of many couples who have survived the transition to 'mixed faith', but they had a love for each other that both prioritized over their faith.

Best of luck as you try to figure out your next step.

This.

I believe when you are happy, it positively effects all of the people that you love and are associated with. And life it just too short to be miserable, that just isn't right for anyone.

All the best to you, Floater.

Thanks everyone

The replies to the "My Cat Died" and to this thread really make me feel so grateful for the true friends here.

To my Flak family: I love y'all and appreciate you more than I have the ability to express.

I'm not really yellow but . . .

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It's good to talk about these things and to sort out the messed up mindfuck we were in.
- SIMS

Floater, I don't comment much (almost never) but your posts always hit so close to home. This one is scary close. I could have written each of the quotes above.

I haven't yet, but I've been considering contacting a divorce lawyer, just to see what the financial hit would be. This is awful, but I'd like to know how much required monthly alimony I could cover with the monthly tithing she sends to the church. I know I'd feel better if it were going to my kids and not to building a mall or a hotel.

I know that I will always be 3rd or 4th priority in her life. The church is always first (pay on gross plus every other damn fund they offer, pray, obey, callings, meetings, service, meetings, meetings, meetings, obedience, more donations, nylons, one earing, mother who knows, SAHM, etc.) and is a huge consumer of her time and resources, followed by the kids (which I am grateful for, she loves them), then a distant tie between me and saving all the neighbors souls and serving them.

Sometimes I feel like I'm only an ATM. As long as I work my ass off and keep money in the bank, she is oblivious to my needs, wants, desires, opinions, etc. I'm only relevant as a cash machine / face value priesthood holder.

My god what a screwed up church to put this kind of strain on a relationship, all because one of the partners decides not to believe in the fairy tale anymore.

I feel your pain, and sympathize with every one of your posts.

Or paying for the marketing blitz?



Thanks for sharing, this helps.

Time will only tell if our marriage actually endures several polar opposite viewpoints, beliefs and goals in life. Maybe the last three years have only been an artificial use of life support given to an otherwise terminally ill relationship. We shall see.

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It's good to talk about these things and to sort out the messed up mindfuck we were in.
- SIMS

Awwww, Floater, my heart goes out to you so much. I don't know what else to do but let you know I feel for you.

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"I love all the bretheren, but I love some a hell of a lot more than I do others." - J. Golden Kimball

It's like you're in The Church of ANTI-CHRIST of Latter-day Scribes and Pharisees.

I'm sorry floater. No good advice to offer, just sympathy

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'Curiosity is not a sin' Albus Dumbledore.

I hope you've come to a conclusion over it.

Being in limbo is exhausting.
It sounds like you already know what is best for you. You have said it...you know.
Over thinking it can make it far too complicated.


I had a very difficult relationship for a very long time and in my typical style I overthought it and overcomplicated it until I was stuck in a sickening rut I couldn't seem to pull myself out of. Mine wasn't about religious differences, but it was related to his parents who are psycho and were sucking the life out of us in so many ways. This made it more complicated than it needed to be, as I didn't just keep it simple and make simple choices based on how it was for me. I couldn't see myself growing old in this situation - not happily anyway. I thought I would likely die quickly to get out. Then I gave my head a shake because I had become frozen to make the simple choice to leave. I let too much emotion and stuff get in the way of simplicity. I saw the things I liked about him and let that over-rule the simple fact that it was all killing me inside and out.

In 2007 I got the courage to leave. I finally said I couldn't do it. I told him that he has to do his thing and it isn't my thing - a dividing of the paths so-to-speak. I left and didn't plan on returning, but emailed him when I got settled to come pick up my cat. Upon visiting him I saw that he had changed in the time I was gone. He never ever believed i would leave him and he took it for granted. He realized the relationship problems I had been talking about for many years, and how his life was messed up by his parents, and how we couldn't possibly have a healthy relationship under the conditions we had been in. We became friends and he became the kind of man I always knew he could be.

We got back together and it is great now. Happier than I ever was.
I realize your circumstances are different than mine. It's not so easy for a tbm to change their religious actions to suit a relationship.
Keep it simple dear floater.
Happiness is actually a very simple thing when we stop over complicating it.

all the best to you.
I have always liked you ever so much and send you a special valentines on this v-day.

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Said in a hushed whisper: My temple name was (pause for effect) Joan.