Wish me luck.

Cain_The_Cursed · **Posted:** Wed Apr 25, 2012 5:36 am

So my life is circling the toilet. Not so long ago I thought that there was a good sign, because my DW went to get her Temple Recommend without me. Finally, she is accepting me getting some distance. Turns out to be that Mormon bullshit like "Hes a big boy, he can do it himself". So about 2 weeks ago she demands to know when I am going to get my recommend. I say "I'll go to the interview, but I doubt that they will give me one". 4 days of silent treatment later, she decides to ask me strait out what I'm thinking, and I tell her I no longer believe.

And thus started my hell. She basically said that she was leaving me and that she didn't care if I loved her, or she loved me, or that I love my children, or that my children love me, none of that mattered. I tried to use all the "I feel" statements and not blame her or the church, tried to say that I wanted to keep it together. No Go. I felt myself backing down, felt myself about to say that I would... I don't know... repent? I barely held on, barely kept myself authentic. She demanded that I speak to the bishop. I told her ok, and everything was fine... except it isn't. I have a ticking time bomb on my life. My interview with the bishop is tomorrow, and I have a feeling that it isn't going to end well for my little family. I'm resigned to the end, but I freaking want to weep every time I think of my 3yo coming into my bedroom and not finding me there. I wanted so badly to be an integral part of his life, and my 1yo too. I feel bad about losing my wife, but lets be honest, the constant axe hanging over my head for the last few years has taken its toll.

I feel like I'm going to die. What a cluster-fuck. My hate for the Church and its fucked up doctrine has never been hotter.

Wish me luck.

tibber · **Posted:** Wed Apr 25, 2012 2:06 pm

Good luck.

HighMaintenanceMe · **Posted:** Wed Apr 25, 2012 2:33 pm

JMO, she is the one breaking the marriage covenants by threatening you with divorce. I think that should be made very clear to her. Maybe something to discuss with the Bishop. It seems she won't believe it coming from you, but she'll believe it from him.

I don't get women who give up so easily on a marriage. I just want to shake some sense into them. Life ain't that sweet as a divorced Mommy of toddlers. In fact, it really sucks! Not many Knights in Shining Garments want an instant family.

aerin · **Posted:** Wed Apr 25, 2012 8:45 pm

good luck.

Divorce can be very difficult financially, particularly if you are a sahm. For some people, logic and reason don't play into this decision. I hope she would agree to go to couples counseling to discuss this stuff. I've said it before (here), it's cheaper than divorce (from my perspective). And even if you do separate, at least everyone is clear about the reasons. Theoretically it won't be as traumatic.

With that said, divorces are a lot different than they used to be 100 years ago. Yes, it can be very hard on the kids. But there are ways that it doesn't have to be so bad.
To my mind, if your spouse is very unhappy, not able to reconcile ...sometimes it's better to let it go. As much as that can s*ck. Life is short. You don't have to live with your child to be an engaged parent. You don't have to stay married to someone who wants out of the relationship and doesn't want to work on common ground /change.

Floater · **Posted:** Wed Apr 25, 2012 8:58 pm

Tell her if Floater and Floaterette can hold a marriage together that anyone can!

Seriously though, I've been through a similar situation and, even though it was 2 1/2 years ago, it's really ongoing but now without the gigantic, seemingly endless storms like in the beginning. Currently, 2 1/2 years later, the angst surfaces occasionally, usually without the great gusto of years past and the bad weather doesn't endure for lengthy periods like it used to.

I seriously don't understand how fucked up a religion could be that would "approve" an entire family breaking up because one partner discovered, accepted and then expressed the truth because of the realization that the organization . . . simply isn't what it claims? Doesn't make sense but it happens.

In a perfect world, the loving spouse would want to know what the other one discovered, then follow suit. But with a mind-controlling cult involved, it's obviously and usually not that easy.

Stories like this make me wanna puke. I don't know you or your spouse but I'd bet a million bucks that you're both phenomenal people and I dream how great your lives would have been without the organization taking control of the mind. It's stories like this that evoke enmity towards an organization that epitomizes the meaning of the word "hypocrite."

The organization claims to be based on truth, that the Q15 only speak truth but the reality is something quite opposite. I loathe the organization for fucking up so many otherwise normally happy marriages, gay people, and so many others. I despise their deceitful tactics used to take money and rob personal time and restrict mind control from millions of victims. I'm grateful I discovered and finally had enough guts to accept the truth, and announce I was no longer going to live a lie. I didn't like the road I had to travel after I shared my feelings of disgust with the organization. When one discovers he or she had been lied to, over and over, while remaining loyal and diligent, then yes, enmity is not only common but often long lasting, especially if the spouse remains unwilling to accept plain and precious "real" truths instead of the lies.

I really wish you both the best. Try to see beyond the storm. Eventually, hopefully, she will see the absurdity of throwing away a marriage because you're . . . what . . . being honest about discovering the truth and merely accepting it and expressing it?

God damn that mutha fuckin so-called religion and all the assholes that purport the lies, continue to deceive and relish in the time and money the duped continue to contribute to the large and spacious mall.

Cain_The_Cursed · **Posted:** Wed Apr 25, 2012 9:24 pm

Thanks all, the meeting is at 8:30 tonight, and I have no idea what to say. My DW last night asked if I was nervice, and I said "not really". She is hurting and I understand that, but she is holding my family hostage over what amounts to a thought crime. She has expressed that she has no one she can talk to, because her family would tell her to leave get out now, and any ward friends would make her too embarassed. After a trying to suggest some people that we both know, I said maybe she could talk to a therapist. I would prefer a non-mormon, because I could rely on them being more unbiased, but she needs someone to talk to bad, and I feel like it would be good to get it out, so i'm not pushing it.

I'll let you guys know what happens. Thanks for the support.

Wonderment · **Joined:** Fri May 02, 2008 7:27 am **Posts:** 1282

Best wishes to you, and I certainly hope that your wife re-considers. She needs to think very carefully before she takes any drastic moves. Maybe you can both agree to going to counseling with a non-LDS therapist. Take care, and please keep us posted. - Wndr. :comfort:

leftofcentre · **Posted:** Fri Apr 27, 2012 10:27 am

Ugh, Cain. Do you think she'll make good on her threats to leave the marriage, or is she just revving things up to scare you? I can see you might have a point to think that if it feels like she has one foot out of the ring, then it might be better to let go so that the emotional battering can stop. It sounds like she is really afraid right now, but if her family tell her to leave rather than face your family's struggles, she may have a very low threshold for ANY type of stress. That's just my intuitive, but rather uninformed opinion.

I don't know if this might be helpful, but you might want to put it to her that you will never threaten to leave her for STAYING in the church...you know, shoe on the other foot sort of thing. Sometimes when people are acting on emotion alone, it helps to consider the position of the other person. Good luck, I hope it all works out for the best for you and your family.

belaja · **Joined:** Wed Aug 23, 2006 5:54 am **Posts:** 6176

Cain_The_Cursed wrote:

. . .she needs someone to talk to bad. . .

You know, it's a good bet that this is probably why it's whipped up to such a fever pitch in her head. If she has nobody to talk about it to but you (the putative "enemy") then she's probably in some kind of feedback loop that's driven her into a panic. It's interesting that she wants to divorce but won't talk to her family because they will tell her to get a divorce.

You know about Faces East, right? (I assume it's still a functioning board.) Have you suggested that she go talk to people there? Even just reading the stories there would be good, if she doesn't want to post. It might help her to realize that others have gone through this and are dealing with it OK. I think, the little I've read on their board, the philosophy over there is to keep the marriage together if at all possible.

It might help her calm down and see that you not believing anymore is not the end of the world - not anybody's world - not yours, not hers, not your family's, NOBODY's. It'll be a changed world for all of you, but people can do change. SHE can do change. Of course, divorce isn't the end of the world either. But it's a radically changed world too, as people have mentioned. One way or the other change is coming. But she (and you) can choose what that looks like. Maybe getting a sense of control (which is basically denied to mormon women--I think that's why they freak out about this kind of thing so much) can help her get her feet on the ground.

Cain_The_Cursed · **Posted:** Fri Apr 27, 2012 6:40 pm

I talked to the bishop. I have a ex-mo coworker that called it. The basic stance of the bishop was "so?". He didn't even release me from my calling as teacher of the Elders. He asked me if I wanted to "regain my faith" and I said, I'm here to keep my family. He said to my wife "you don't want to leave him, you guys are awesome". DW reiterated that she was going to leave me if I couldn't get back into line. He asked if I would pray and read the BoM for the next two weeks as an experiment. I said "sure" but in reality I just need more time to think about how I want to deal with this. He said that I might never have faith in the church but I might get a "testimony" of God.

So now the question: Go back into cammo mode, or Just get this over with. I don't want to kill my marriage, but I think I'm the one with the ax. I just want to have freedom of thought, if not of action.

P.S. @belaja That is really great advice. I'll see if she wants too, but she is rather the Luddite.

cumom · **Joined:** Wed Aug 23, 2006 6:17 am **Posts:** 7338

Just piping in to say how sorry I am you're dealing with this. Wish I had something useful to advise.

wry catcher · **Joined:** Wed Aug 23, 2006 6:15 am **Posts:** 5632

{{{{Cain}}}}

So sorry to hear of the pain and stress you're going through. This stuff just sucks. I really hope for a positive outcome for you and your family.

vballrh · **Joined:** Sat Sep 27, 2008 7:36 pm **Posts:** 239

So sorry you have to be going through this. Let me just add this for maybe some hope for your situation. My DH, or GhostPuma as he is known around here, was the first to see through the lies. When he told me I was crushed. I was like I saw my life flashing before my eyes and then I saw the future and saw all the things we wouldn't have. No more dates to the temple like good mormons, no DH to righteously lead the family, give blessings when needed, or baptize the children. No ability to participate in all the mormon rites of passage. It was pure grief for everything that would be lost if he would not believe. Luckily for us both, I decided to start researching (to try to prove the church was true-oh the irony) and the more I researched the more truly fucked up things I found out about church history I had never known before.

So it really really sucked for us. And our bishop at the time actually advised me to leave because I could either leave him now and live with a worthy priesthood holder, or I could live this life with him and be GIVEN away to a worthy priesthood holder after death. So at least your bishop seemed chill about it, lol.

Seriously, best of luck going through this, it truly sucks....

ETA: The point of the post is to maybe give you hope your DW will come around no matter how upset she seems now.

Froggie · **Posted:** Tue May 08, 2012 3:38 am

I am curious to see how you are doing. Feeling any better?

big green hugs,

Froggie

Further Light and Knowledge

Wish me luck.

Who is online