Further Light and Knowledge

now its all gone. will i ever see my parents again? what my sealing to my 2 children??
what about Freemasonry and its similarities to the endowment?
i have never been so confused and down in my entire life.
what is the REAL TRUTH? who is our Savior? is he truly bent on destroying those who aren't "the wheat"? if so, i must be in the "chaff" category, at least for today.
all that i totally relied on and had 100% faith in has been shaken to the core of my soul.
when my 2 children were little, i can remember just knowing for sure that i'd be with them forever, as well as as my parents, and so forth. i was so childlike and so trusting. that was 17 years ago and my kids are 22 and 25 now and both inactive-one's a NOM, one's a total agnostic. i feel as though i am partly to blame for that- i was so Molly Mormon when they were little, tried to do all by the book with no support from the abusive husband who used the Priesthood as unrighteous dominion over us. i finally found the courage deep down inside me to leave, even with the bishop telling me to just "kneel and pray" with this man who threatened to kill me daily. yeah right. and also he told me that "divorce is NEVER the answer". i guess he never had guns pointed at his head too often.
the point of all this i'm saying is that i wanted it all to be true so bad b/c i love my children and my parents and what could be better than to be with them for eternity with no worries about sickness and death? i feel like its all a big fraud and a lie and it hurts deeply. it's going to take me a long time to mentally work through all this. thanks for listening.
PL

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Searching for the real TRUTH

holding people's families hostage is a good way to keep people obedient.

it is a lie that you will not have your family if you are not a good girl.

if there is a heaven or an afterlife, I am sure that you will all be happy together again in it. You will laugh and lament together at the hell you went through.

I am sure you did the best you could with what you had, and now that you know better you will do better. What else can we do?

I hear what you are saying.
You wanted it to be true so badly that you even put up with abuse, as the price of an eternal family. Getting over that sort of diseased thinking probably will take a while.

We'll all be standing here waiting to help you thru.

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As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent.
-- Socrates

Thank you for writing back... i'm a bit depressed today, just trying to take things one day at a time.
PL

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Searching for the real TRUTH

Ahh! I should have read further before asking questions about your family!

I'm sorry you are feeling down, PL. First of all, your children have free agency, right?

If there is one single thing I could change about the church, it would hammer to the mothers that they are not responsible for the so-called mistakes of their children. The pressure this puts on a woman is all encompassing and gives you no room to breathe if you feel your children are not making choices that fit the mormon prescription for a healthy life.

I am also very sorry to hear about the situation you had with your husband. I hope you can feel comfortable enough talking to this board about it. It helps to not feel like you are alone while dealing with any life fallout.

Big green hugs,

Froggie

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"Mormon culture is a combination of well-intentioned naïveté, the Stepford Wives, and the Holy Inquisition." ~Dr.Todd Ormsbee
http://froggey.wordpress.com

Welcome, PL.

I wish so much for you that you didn't feel this way, but know that you feel this way because you are grieving for the lost dream of an eternal family. I am married to a non-member, and I fully understand what that feels like to believe and have to let go of your ideal dream when you recognize that it won't be yours to enjoy.

I hope you find value in your life right now and can focus on the good things you have, even if it's something as minor as a great view out your window, or a warm bubble bath when you need it most.

We are here for you. Hang tough.

SML

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"The bird that would soar above the level plain of tradition and prejudice must have strong wings. It is a sad spectacle to see the weaklings bruised, exhausted, fluttering back to earth." ~Kate Chopin, "The Awakening"

I left an abusive situation also, which the Bishop KNEW about (and to-be-ex had admitted to a bunch of the stuff)...and he (Bishop) was still telling me that *I* was abusing my to-be-ex AFTER I left by not listening to him (to-be-ex) about where I should live and stuff like that.

The Bishop asked for my TR at that point and told me that most people in a separated situation didn't deserve a TR because they obviously weren't treating their spouse right or this wouldn't have happened!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH! And at the point I was still into the temple thing and it was a source of peace and TBM strength for me...and that act of doing that little forceful disciplinary CRAP was probably the beginning of the end for me, though as I have pondered it all I guess I've been NOM about some things for a long time.

Anway...I don't care anymore about not having it except that it was wrong for the Bishop to take it. I do have the satisfaction of knowing that I told him when he took it that it was on his conscience for doing so, that I disagreed with him on it, and that HE would have to answer to God for the consequences of using his authority that way.
I didn't yell about it...I was very calm...and he seemed rather freaked out about my saying that and was quiet for a few moments. Then he agreed it was a solemn responsibility and that he knew he had to be careful about that sort of thing...but he didn't offer the TR back. He just knew he was so damn right and that he could wield his authority over me...he wasn't even technically my Bishop at the time since I had already moved a month before that and had requested my records moved, but he refused to let them be moved till I went and talked with him...now I know why!

Anyway...I didn't stop going to church because of that. At the time I justified to myself that it was just one fallible man with an authority problem and that didn't make the whole church untrue...but the whole thing still sucks and I can relate to what you are saying about the Bishop telling you that divorce was wrong and that you should "kneel and pray" about it. My abusive situation was really bad...but no guns involved...that would be so scary! How dare that Bishop make that kind of judgment call for you in that situation!!!!

ARGH! I think I am angry today!

Welcome to the board...even though I haven't even introduced myself yet. I guess I better get around to that since I keep posting here.
NelleM

Nice to meet you PatchouloLover, you did what was best for you and your kids, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You could have quite possibly saved their lives, and shown them that there is much more to life than this so-called-church.

You did what any good mother would do. Be proud of yourself.

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http://thestrangetheweirdthewonderful.blogspot.com/

Hi, nice to meet you, Sydney!! i hope things are going ok with you. i had a member of the High priests group just stop by unannounced a little bit agl...here i was in my jammies...

this same man was my home teacher for 6 months and told me once he did not have time to visit me....so now he just drops by whenever he "thinks of me, and i was following a prompting". guess he didn't feel prompted when he was my home teacher.

you know, this experience has been bittersweet. there are many people at church that i really like alot. but the weird thing is, here at least, i never see these people outside of a church setting. i wonder if my visiting teachers would give me the time of day if they weren't assigned to me. its just all weird to me. and i used to feel so warm and fuzzy about it all.

i hope your family can accept your decision graciously. i'll be thinking about you! take care,
PL

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Searching for the real TRUTH

I will be thinking about you too... thanks for the kind words.

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http://thestrangetheweirdthewonderful.blogspot.com/